Wake Up

My brain feels like mush. This is the third attempt at writing a blog post in the past two weeks, and I’m not entirely sure this one will make it to the “publish” button either.

It is house crunch time, and my mind is spinning in about one million directions. I literally, somehow, “convinced” Bobby of two entirely different housing options in a 24-hour period. That explains my very mushy brain. I mean, just look at these two houses that are in the Kunkle renting line up:

Are those not total opposites? I don’t even know what we are doing?! I don’t even know what we want, nor why we want it, nor how we are going to like anything. This house hunt is turning out to be a ruthless carousel merry-go-round… only without the fun happy music and cutely painted circus animals.

For better or for worse, we have given ourselves a deadline to make a final decision on our housing: June 1st. That is three days away, people. (It is also our 8 year anniversary, just a cute side note!)

Since the first rental viewing flop, Bobby and I have written a “must-have” list for our house. It’s pretty robust, but not so robust that it has felt impossible. However, with our deadline approaching quickly, we are now at a point where we are starting to cave on our “must haves.” But what do we sacrifice? Which item on our list is going into the trash? It’s been conversation after conversation after conversation. And we still feel like we are no where. Well, I feel like we are no where. I don’t know where Bobby feels we are.

Late last night, Bobby found, yet another house to add to the mix. I glanced at the photos for 2 seconds and said, “Fine. Tell them we’ll take it and let’s be done with this whole house ordeal.” Even though a tiny voice inside of me was like, “Don’t do it! We haven’t seen it. We didn’t get a virtual tour. There could be a dungeon entrance!” (Which, I kid you not, was something we discovered in a virtual tour of a house we thought was cute and fitting for us.) But another tiny voice inside of me was like, “Maybe that’s faith?”

Trudging over to bed I thought, “Maybe that will just be the one. Maybe Bobby will make a rash decision for us, go for the house we spent 3 minutes looking over, and we will speed over to Minnesota in a month having no idea what we just got ourselves into. Is that faith or foolishness? Who knows, and who cares? I’m going to bed.” I don’t know how many tiny voices I have had in my head telling me, This is THE one! When you’ve said that about 10 times, it starts to become meaningless, insignificant, and feels like immature, wishful thinking.

I feel like a hopeless romantic.

And then I went to bed. Praying with a very stoic, tired brain. I don’t even remember what I prayed. I probably just prayed over and over, “Lord, give us a house… give us a house… give us a… zzzzzz.”

I feel like I’m having a bad case of house bitterness. Not bitterness toward God. I bet God is up in heaven smiling, because he knows exactly what is going to happen, and he sees all the good that is occurring. He knows the house we will live in and he is doing something in our stressed-out frantic-ness. But I’m just like… whatever housing market, I give up! You win!

Change of subject: Bobby is still sleeping. And it’s 7:30am. I don’t remember the last time that has happened. I don’t know if it has ever happened. We are the 5am early birds.

What is our life coming to?!

Through all of this, I am realizing Bobby and I are not used to not getting what we want when we want it. I know that makes us sound like spoiled brats. But honestly, there are few areas in our lives, and me in particular, where I didn’t get what I want. In general, life has fallen into my lap. And I am not ungrateful for that. I am very grateful. But now that I don’t have what I want, I’m not entirely sure what to do. Trust God, yes! But what do we do. What decision do we make?

Another factor we have been calculating is not just what is good for us, and our family, but what house can we get to serve others. We go back and forth imagining what we can choose for ministry sake. But the tricky thing is, we have no stinkin’ idea what our life will look like. We only have guesses. And that has made the house hunt complicated, and veer toward selfishness. The only thing we know is our family, and our past inclination, habits, and gifts for ministry. But we have no idea what will be best to serve others around us in a home. No idea.

But yet, the sun is shining today. Dolly slept in later than usual. God is still faithful, even if I don’t know practically what faith looks like right now. My friend encouraged me the other day that we won’t live under a bridge. We DO have two houses available to us, so it’s not like we have zero leads. My in-laws are taking care of my cranky baby upstairs while I therapeutically blog my brains out. There is still three whole days for new houses to pop up online. And beyond all of this, we serve a God who is our loving Father. He who pours out care toward the birds and grass, how much more will he take care of us.

Bobby is still sleeping by the way. It’s almost 8:00am.

Another glass-half-full comment: maybe this blog has made it to the publish button after all!

This is where life is for us. A spinning, crazy, unpredictable mess. But that is often times the best place for those who believe in God.

“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 2:9)

Lord, show your strength in our weakness! Do awesome stuff despite our not-awesome selves. Be our strength when we are weak. (Also, wake up Bobby!)

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